Stop Trying to Be Happy
The Happiness Trap, Explained
Hi. I’ve been writing this newsletter for six months now and every week I do an *extremely helpful* explainer of a book or trend or something in the cultural zeitgeist people can’t stop talking about.
That means, to date, I’ve read (and explained) 26 advice books and trends from Let Them to Atomic Habits to attachment styles.
At this point, a few things are becoming very clear:
A lot of these books are saying similar things
They’re just dressing it up in different outfits
Some advice is repeated so often it should probably be collected all in one place as one master list.
So... I’m working on a mega, super-condensed edition of this project. A single post that breaks down the most repeated advice across all these books. The core principles that actually matter. Basically, the only thing you’ll ever have to read to live your best life. (Yes, there will be a spreadsheet.)
I’d love to include you in it.
Reply and tell me:
👉Is this at all of interest to you?
👉The best advice you’ve taken from this newsletter
👉The one idea that actually changed your life
👉Or the piece of advice you keep hearing over and over again
But first, a subscriber request: The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris.
💡 WHAT’S THE BIG IDEA?
You don’t need to feel good all the time. You need to act in ways that align with your values.
Most people are miserable because they believe they’re supposed to be happy
Avoiding pain is what actually causes suffering
The goal isn’t to feel better, it’s to get better at feeling
Russ Harris, a doctor turned therapist, uses Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to dismantle the myth that “happiness” means always feeling positive, productive, and peaceful.
What is ACT? ACT says suffering arises when we resist, avoid, or try to suppress pain or unwanted thoughts and emotions. It's the struggle against those experiences that intensifies suffering. So, you need to accept, then detach from your thoughts, and then act according to your values.
📌 “A = Accept your thoughts and feelings and be present. C = Connect with your values. T = Take effective action.”
😵💫 THE “HAPPINESS TRAP” IS…
Believing happiness is the normal state of being
Thinking negative thoughts equal personal failure
Treating bad feelings like problems to fix
Using everything and anything to escape discomfort (then wondering why you’re still anxious)
We fall into the Happiness Trap when we start chasing constant good vibes like it’s a job, and then feel even worse when we can’t maintain them.
Here’s what The Happiness Trap makes brutally clear:
You’ll never control your thoughts
Your brain is chaos. That’s normal.
You’re not broken if you don’t feel great all the time
Pain is part of life. Stop pathologizing it.
Trying to fix your feelings is often the problem
Struggling with your emotions gives them more power.
You don’t need more willpower or motivation, you need more clarity about what’s important to you.
If you know what matters to you, you’ll act on it, whether you feel like it or not.
Sound familiar? In Buddhist philosophy, clinging to desires and attachments, including the desire for things to be different than they are, is seen as a root cause of suffering (dukkha).
Basically, both ACT and Buddhism tell you to shift your relationship with pain and difficult experiences. Instead of fighting them, which can intensify suffering, embrace acceptance, cultivate mindfulness, and focus on living a life aligned with our values, even in the face of adversity. I’m pretty sure this was also a big theme of White Lotus Season 3.
📌 “Thus, evolution has shaped our brains so that we are hardwired to suffer psychologically: to compare, evaluate, and criticize ourselves, to focus on what we’re lacking, to rapidly become dissatisfied with what we have, and to imagine all sorts of frightening scenarios, most of which will never happen. No wonder humans find it hard to be happy!”
🧠 KEY CONCEPTS
1. Cognitive Fusion
When you get stuck inside your thoughts and treat them like truth.
“I’m a failure” becomes a fact instead of just a passing sentence in your head.
2. Defusion
Instead of buying into your thoughts, you create space from them.
“I’m noticing I’m having the thought that I’m failing.”
Weirdly powerful. Like putting your anxiety in air quotes.
3. Experiential Avoidance
Trying to avoid or suppress uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, often by numbing, distracting, spiraling, or pretending everything’s fine.
4. Acceptance
Instead of avoiding them, let your thoughts and emotions come and go without letting them run your life.
5. Values-Based Action
Acting according to your values, not your feelings.
You do the thing because being that type of person matters to you, not because you feel like it.
💭 Values-Based Actions vs. Feelings-Based Actions
Ok, so what are values based actions?
They’re based on who you want to be and what’s important to you like:
Scenario: Your friend is going through a breakup
Feelings-based: “I don’t feel like dealing with her drama right now” You ghost her texts and avoid hanging out.
Values-based: “I value being a loyal friend” You show up even when you’re tired, because that’s who you want to be
Scenario: You want to start exercising
Feelings-based: “I don’t feel motivated today” You skip the gym for the 47th time this month
Values-based: “I value taking care of my body” You go for a 10-minute walk because movement matters to you, regardless of whether you feel like it.
Scenario: Work presentation you’re dreading
Feelings-based: “I’m anxious, so this must be a bad idea” You procrastinate until the last second or make excuses to get out of it
Values-based: “I value doing good work and growing professionally” You prepare and show up, anxiety and all, because your career matters more than your comfort zone
Scenario: Having a difficult conversation
Feelings-based: “This feels awkward and uncomfortable” You avoid it indefinitely and let resentment build
Values-based: “I value honest communication in my relationships” You have the conversation anyway, because clarity matters more than temporary discomfort
Feelings-based decisions prioritize immediate comfort. Values-based decisions prioritize who you actually want to be.
So, basically, your feelings get a vote, but they don’t get to run the show. Your values should.
💬 QUOTES I HIGHLIGHTED
📌 “...But there’s another meaning of happiness that’s radically different: the experience of living a rich and meaningful life.”
📌 “The more we try to avoid the basic reality that all human life involves pain, the more we are likely to struggle with that pain when it arises, thereby creating even more suffering.”
Not technically from the book but:
📌 “Happiness is not a goal. It’s a by-product of living a life that matters to you.”
-Eleanor Roosevelt
🧘♀️IF YOU ONLY DO ONE THING
Try this exercise: Leaves on a Stream
Picture your thoughts floating down a stream on leaves.
Watch them come and go without jumping in or trying to redirect the current.
Sounds dumb but it works.
🔚 TL;DR
You’re not supposed to feel happy all the time
Thoughts are just thoughts. Not facts, not prophecies
Avoidance makes things worse
Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up, it means making room
Take actions based on your values, not your mood
⚖️ THE VERDICT
Worth reading?
✅ Yes, especially if you’re tired of forcing happiness and want a more honest, sustainable approach to living.
Just the radical idea that it’s okay to feel like sh*t sometimes, and you can still do meaningful things anyway.
👋 BEFORE YOU GO
If this resonates with you, like it or share it with someone.
Knowing they’re actually helpful keeps me going.
Plus, your shares help other people find ideas that might change their perspective too.
Great choice and synopsis - was not aware of this book