Explainer: Attachment Styles. The Science Behind Your Relationship Patterns
🧠 How Understanding Your Attachment Style Can Transform Your Relationships (Without Going to Therapy)
Every week, we break down a book, podcast, or trend to see if it's actually worth your time.
This week: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
✔️ This book exploded in popularity (especially on TikTok) because it offers a surprisingly simple framework for understanding why your relationships succeed or fail.
If you've ever wondered:
Why you keep dating the same type of unavailable person
Why your partner pulls away when things get serious
Why some couples fight constantly while others never do
Why your friend is always worried their partner is cheating
...then attachment theory might be the missing puzzle piece.
Here's everything you need to know about attachment styles, based on what I remember from the book, TikTok, and a grab bag of pop culture examples.
💡 WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA?
Most people think relationship problems are about communication, compatibility, or chemistry. But research suggests something more fundamental is at play: your attachment style.
Your attachment style is the invisible script running your love life.
It's not just about communication or chemistry—it's about the subconscious patterns you picked up in childhood.
✅ Your early relationships with caregivers created a blueprint for how you give and receive love. How your caregivers responded to your needs as a baby created a blueprint for how you approach relationships today.
✅ There are three main attachment styles. Secure, anxious, and avoidant (plus a rare fourth style: disorganized/fearful).
✅Your attachment style isn't your fault. It's a survival adaptation from childhood, not a character flaw.
✅But you can change your style. Understanding these patterns is the first step to becoming more secure.
📌 "Depending on the kind of care we receive early on, we develop a blueprint for love that affects our behavior and shapes our expectations in our adult relationships."
🌍 The Four Attachment Styles Explained
📌 "Once you understand your attachment style, you'll have a clearer sense of what makes you tick in relationships."
Let's break down the four main styles and their real-world (and pop culture) examples:
🧠 SECURE ATTACHMENT (50-55% of people)
The Secure Person:
Is comfortable with intimacy and independence
Communicates needs and feelings directly
Trusts their partner and offers consistent support
Handles conflict constructively without games or drama
Doesn't panic when their partner needs space
Pop Culture Examples:
Jim and Pam from The Office. Their relationship is built on friendship, trust, and healthy communication
In Real Life: Secure people make the best partners because they don't play games, can discuss difficult feelings without drama, and provide a stable foundation. When they say, "Call me tomorrow," they actually mean it—no hidden tests or expectations.
🔥 ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT (20-25% of people)
The Anxious Person:
Craves closeness and fears abandonment
Worries about being abandoned
Preoccupied with relationship status
Hyper-attuned to signs of rejection
Clingy or overly focused on a partner’s availability
Uses bad behaviors to get attention
Pop Culture Examples:
Ross Geller from Friends. Remember his jealousy over Mark and sending a barbershop quartet to Rachel's office?
Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City. Constantly analyzing her relationships and seeking validation. Literally the entire basis of her column.
In Real Life: If you’re rereading old texts for clues or spiraling when someone leaves you on read... you might be here. The anxious person is the one checking their phone every two minutes after texting someone they like thinking "Are they ghosting me?" or "Do they still love me?" They have a hard time believing they're worthy of love.
❄️ AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT (20-25% of people)
The Avoidant Person:
Values independence above all else
Gets uncomfortable with too much closeness
Keeps partners at arm's length
Idealizes past relationships or unavailable people
Focuses on partners' flaws when things get serious
Pop Culture Examples:
Mr. Big from Sex and the City. Chronically unavailable, pulling away whenever things got serious
Don Draper from Mad Men. Maintains emotional distance and escapes when relationships intensify
In Real Life:They’re the ones who ghost after a weekend getaway or say “I’m not ready” three months in. Avoidants are those people who seem super interested initially but pull away once real intimacy develops. They're the ones saying, "I need space" or "I'm just not ready for a relationship" after several months of dating. They fear being engulfed and losing their independence.
🌪️ DISORGANIZED/FEARFUL ATTACHMENT (3-5% of people)
The Disorganized Person:
Both craves and fears intimacy
Unpredictable, hot-and-cold behavior
Switches between clingy and distant
Often has a history of trauma or significant neglect
Struggles with consistent emotional regulation
Pop Culture Examples:
Cassie from Euphoria. Simultaneously craves and sabotages close relationships
Will Hunting from Good Will Hunting. Pushes people away despite desperately wanting connection
In Real Life: “Come closer—wait, never mind.” These folks need love but fear it at the same time. People with disorganized attachment often feel like they can't win. They desperately want love but are terrified of being hurt. They might pursue someone intensely, then panic and pull away when the person reciprocates. Their relationships tend to be chaotic and emotionally turbulent.
🧩 The Attachment Style Compatibility Matrix
Not all attachment combinations work equally well. Here's a quick compatibility guide:
Secure + Secure = 😍 Stable, healthy, balanced relationship
Secure + Anxious = 👍 Can work well if the secure partner provides reassurance
Secure + Avoidant = 👍 Can work if the secure partner respects independence
Anxious + Avoidant = ⚠️ The most toxic combination—creates a painful push-pull dynamic
Anxious + Anxious = 😬 Can become codependent with too much drama
Avoidant + Avoidant = 🥶 Usually too emotionally distant to form a deep connection
Anyone + Disorganized = ⚠️ Challenging without therapeutic support
📌 "The most important predictor of who will be your life partner is not what they're like or what they do, but rather the compatibility between your attachment style and theirs."
🎬 ATTACHMENT IN ACTION: HOLLYWOOD EDITION
These famous on-screen couples perfectly demonstrate attachment dynamics:
The Anxious-Avoidant Trap
Carrie and Mr. Big (Sex and the City) – The classic anxious-avoidant pairing: she constantly seeks validation and commitment, while he pulls away and maintains his independence. Their push-pull dynamic created six seasons and two movies of relationship drama!The Secure Base Effect
Morticia and Gomez Addams (The Addams Family) – Despite their macabre interests, they demonstrate a secure attachment with consistent support, open communication, and unwavering commitment. They're weird but securely attached!The Anxious-Anxious Spiral
Rachel and Ross (Friends) – Both display anxious tendencies, leading to dramatic breakups, jealousy, and the famous "WE WERE ON A BREAK!" Their mutual insecurity created a decade of on-again-off-again chaos.The Avoidant Island
James Bond (any 007 movie) – The ultimate avoidant, Bond maintains emotional distance from his love interests, preferring brief encounters to deep connection. His avoidance keeps him "safe" but ultimately alone.
🧠 HOW TO BECOME MORE SECURE (REGARDLESS OF YOUR STYLE)
Good news: Your attachment style isn't fixed. Here are practical steps toward security:
For Anxious Attachers:
Recognize that not all relationship concerns are emergencies
Practice self-soothing instead of seeking immediate reassurance
Choose secure partners who don't trigger your anxiety
Be direct about your needs rather than using protest behaviors
Develop independence and self-worth outside your relationship
For Avoidant Attachers:
Recognize that interdependence isn't weakness
Practice staying connected during discomfort
Take small steps toward greater intimacy
Communicate your need for space instead of disappearing
Challenge your tendency to focus on partners' flaws
For Disorganized Attachers:
Seek professional help to process past trauma
Practice consistency in relationships
Develop emotional regulation strategies
Build self-awareness about your contradictory impulses
Choose partners who can provide stable, patient support
📌 "The good news is that, despite what we've said about the robustness of the attachment bond you formed with your caregivers, your attachment style can change."
💡 REMEMBER THIS:
📌 "People are only as needy as their unmet needs."
📌 "Having a partner who is a secure base—who provides a sense of security, safety, and protection—is the best resource for enabling a person to feel calm, encouraged, and confident."
📌 "In a true partnership, both partners view it as their responsibility to ensure the other's emotional well-being."
📌 "Once you realize that your need for connection is legitimate, you can start making better relationship choices."
🔑 TL;DR
💡 Your attachment style (secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized) shapes how you approach relationships.
💡 Understanding your style helps explain why you keep falling into the same relationship patterns.
💡 You can move toward secure attachment by recognizing your patterns and choosing compatible partners.
❓SHOULD YOU READ IT?
✅ Sure, if you've ever wondered why your relationships follow the same patterns, why your partner behaves the way they do, or how to find a more compatible match.
❌ No, if you’re lucky enough to be secure then you’re good.
♥️ IF YOU LIKE THIS, YOU’LL LOVE…
📚 He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
Not exactly academic—but if you have an anxious attachment style and tend to overanalyze texts, this book is the brutally honest slap in the face you might need.
🎧 Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel
Real couples. Real therapy sessions.
👋 BEFORE YOU GO…
📩 Like this? Share it with a friend who keeps dating unavailable people or someone who can't figure out why their relationships always follow the same pattern.
🤔 What should we do next? Leave a comment👇or tell me in the chat.